Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
