you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
