I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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