I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
