Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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