Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
