Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
