The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
