you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
