just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
