i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
