we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
