soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
