Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
