I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
