Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
