Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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