i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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