I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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