When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
