i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
