please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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