I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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