Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
