My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
