At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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