so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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