How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
