I need help removing her.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I looked at my own cervix.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
