I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
