making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
