Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
