She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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