if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
