I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
