You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
