insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
