There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
