Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
