Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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