Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
