I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
