Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
