If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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