I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
