yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
