maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
