too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
