Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
