How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
